On Crying: Sleep

We've all heard the horror stories of Eastern European orphanages where they let the infants cry for hours and hours on end with no soothing, no contact, no human interaction. These children come home to their adoptive parents, who then must face the devastating realization that their child is broken and will never feel love or human attachment. That kind of neglect is abuse. It is horrific in its execution and repercussions, and I take it very seriously. But that is not what this post is about.

This post is about well-loved children from healthy, stimulating households occasionally being left to work through some tears on their own for a matter of minutes to hours. So many parents are afraid of this healthy process. Maybe it's a tantrum. Maybe it's protest crying. Maybe it's legit loneliness or anxiety. Whatever the cause, this kind of episodic crying will not harm your baby. In fact, I feel that it's necessary for proper development. Wouldn't you be a little concerned if you could prevent all of your baby's tears? It would be weird and probably mean a developmental problem.

But MOM! *pout*

I am a strong proponent of cry-it-out methods for a number of applications. First and foremost, sleep! Why so gung-ho? Because sleep is important for your baby and for you, and because crying it out works and no-cry methods don't. I know what you're thinking, "But every baby is DIFFERENT!" and it is true. And that is why no-cry methods work for some babies -- those of easy temperament and independent nature. But that method shouldn't be called no-cry, it should be called just have an easy baby, and you'll be all set! There is still a small subset of moms in my circle who are desperately trying to avoid crying as they go on their second and third year of continuous sleepless nights. "We've tried that Ferberizing" they say, "but it just isn't our baby's style." Upon further extraction of detail, they explain that what they really mean is that they, the parents, gave up after just a matter of minutes and decided it was too cruel to continue, never actually applying the method at all. Not that it wasn't for their child, but that it wasn't for them.

It isn't that I need them to do things my way. If they were happy with their lot, I'd say, "good!" and be happy for them. But just as you'd expect from someone so perpetually and eternally exhausted, they're miserable and they complain incessantly about it. I want so much to help them, but I can't tell them anything they don't already know and are choosing to ignore. I don't want to sound callous or spiteful, I sympathize! After all, I chose to listen to Elsie cry herself to sleep at 5 or 6 months. It was excruciating. I had to go out for a walk while Hub manned the house. I had to get in the shower to drown out the noise and bring my blood pressure down. I had to buy earplugs. This is the opposite of emotionally intuitive parenting, it is grueling. But emotions are not the only part of our intuition worth considering. We also have reason, and sometimes we ought to let reason win.

Children are incredibly smart, but they are not incredibly verbal. Picture living in another country where you are not fluent. You still understand a lot from gestures and tone, but no amount of somber conversation will convey a complex idea. You have to get it from context. For your baby, when you come in after 10 minutes of crying you're saying, "you have to cry for 10 minutes to get me to change my mind about this bedtime thing." If you come in after 45 minutes, you're saying, "If you're REALLY persistent in her tears, I'll change my mind." If she works herself into such a raged frenzy that she pukes and then you come in and treat her as though she had the stomach flu with cuddles and "my poor sick baby!" then you're sending a really messed-up message... "If you make yourself sick from screaming, I'll treat you like a princess and you can have whatever you want." That may sound extreme, but it's totally normal fare for 2-4-year-olds who have learned manipulation and tantrum like a fine art instead of independence. It's not something that they tend to outgrow on their own. I had a 16-year-old on my dive team who used to quietly hold her breath until she passed out for the attention.

So instead of going in with cuddles and kisses and sending all sorts of weird messages, you wait it out. Here's what you are saying instead:

"It's really bedtime now. This time is not for cuddling or laughing or playing. This time is for sleeping."

"I believe in you. You are strong and capable and more independent than you realize. I know that you can go to sleep on your own."

"Sleep is important. I value it enough to make you learn it."

"It's okay. You know I would come in if there was something really wrong."

I believe that there is no more straightforward way to say it than to let her figure it out for herself.

When there's a strong foundation of love in a family, it goes without saying. Your child feels loved whether or not you are there. She feels loved when she is laughing and she feels loved when she is crying. You have to have at least this much faith in your parenting: that you make your love known, that you make it an assumption. And you have to have at least enough faith in your child to realize that she is fully capable of calming down without you and robust and resilient enough that one night (or a week of nights) crying will not harm her spirit. She is not fragile; she is strong.

And what do you get for all of your trouble? One very happy baby and one very happy mommy in the morning, every morning!