Sharing Stories, Throwing Flames

Lately, I have been sharing my baby-loss story more and more broadly.  My biggest share yet comes out this week -- a ghostwritten long-form piece over at Yahoo Parenting.  I withheld a little bit of personal information from that, and have changed one small detail.  Otherwise, you will recognize the tale.

Sharing is so exciting and important.  It is intimate and it is public.  I feel strongly called to share.  I'm not sure that I could resist the urge even if I wanted to.  But it is terrifying. 

I thought about taking down my blog for this.  Destroying the whole thing to protect my family's privacy.  I have friends from my support group who have been flamed and trolled and stalked for their openness.  More prominent activists have it even worse.  Mikki Kendall, an inspirational writer and activist, had to get a second-trimester abortion to save her life.  After she wrote about the experience, she and her children where threatened and harassed relentlessly.  She moved to feel safer again.  I was lucky enough to host Emily Letts when she visited Boston recently.  She told me the name of the FBI agent she calls every time she gets a death threat.

Ms. Letts would hate that I led with that, because her activism centers around destigmatizing abortion.  

So does mine.  

Whenever we give our attention to people who threaten and harass, it builds the blaze of stigma in our culture.  This escalates the hate and the violence.  More hatred and violence entrench blame and guilt around abortion, which build shame.  More shame silences voices and erects walls, trapping families who have survived crises like mine in the prison of taboo.  It's a vicious cycle.

I share my story to break the cycle.  Every time I share, I find love and compassion in this world.  I build connection to all kinds of people and families.  Sometimes, I reach somebody who has been through exactly the same thing and thought she was alone.  This is important.  It matters.  I'm going to keep doing it, even though it's scary.  Even though it's hard.

If anyone tracks me to this blog, or if you decide to read over at Yahoo, when you see mean or hurtful comments, please DO NOT RESPOND TO THEM DIRECTLY.  I hate when people start intellectual debates around my personal tragedy -- even when they mean well and are on my side.  Instead, please SAY SOMETHING POSITIVE!

Whatever you have to say that is kind, say THAT!  Say it to me, say it to other commentors, say it to the world at large. 

I love you

I admire you

I'll hold your sweet baby in my heart

You are brave

These are words that can be said to any mama, children living or dead, healthy or sick. These are healing words for everybody.  

On my own blog, I will answer questions that are asked respectfully and delete anything that's mean.  But on the rest of the web, where free speech reigns, please, DON'T feed the trolls, DO spread the love, and wish me luck and strength this week.  It's going to be a hard one.