Oddly, it is easier to write about the hardest moments and the lowest feelings than it is to write about the rest of my recent experience. When I glance back over my posts, it's all dark and heart-wrenching, even though my daily life is fairly bright. I don't even cry most days, yet you wouldn't know it from reading here. Maybe that's because so much of my day-to-day coping and recovery is downright mundane, and mundane makes for a boring read.
Days now are just the way they were before, only I no longer get heat stroke, I can squeeze through tighter spaces, and I can eat whatever I want without feeling queasy. I tend to Elsie. I take her to the park. I get the groceries and cook dinner. Nothing from my daily present has been taken away. I still have my daughter and my husband and my life, just the way it was a month ago. What has changed is my future, my expectations. Instead of being dominated by baby dreams and sleepless nights, my next months and years open out in front of me like a big, empty, mysterious space. It's a void I haven't yet tried to fill, but there's a little nagging voice that is beginning to chirp in my ear, "What next, Kate? What now?"
Whatever you write here is appreciated, also the mundane. And I am sure you will know when the time has come to fill the void.
ReplyDeleteMuch love,
Fine
Hi Kate,
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel in a way. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby now for a little over 2 years. In the process we have had 2 miscarriages. Anyway, without a viable pregnancy (and no kids yet of our own), we've had to rethink the future. What does life without any kids entail? Going camping, reading books, trying new things, etc. Then, I think, well maybe I should change my career. Do something fun rather than practical (which is what I am doing now). It all seems kind of selfish though. That is the thing that I am struggling with.
You are lucky to have Elsie. She is also very lucky to have you for a very caring, very invested mom.
Thanks very much for sharing your stories. I am sure that there are many women reading this blog that find some comfort in it.
E
Kate,
ReplyDeleteI have always admired your grace. Even through this event you have demonstrated an amount of grace and strength I can only hope to have a fraction of. You are not alone in this challenge. Thank you for sharing these moments. They have helped remind me to be grateful for what I have, and to know that in the darkest days, I can make it through. I have been keeping you and Elsie and hub in my thoughts. Take Care.
Mrs.C
Kate,
ReplyDeleteI wanted to offer my belated (quite belated) condolences. I'm glad to read that things have returned to a somewhat normal for you. You are a brilliant lady, with a brilliant family. Nothing but admiration.
Megh