Am I Mom Enough?

Ha!  No.  No I am certainly not "mom enough."  But, heck, good for you if you are.  If it makes you and your kid happy, then keep up the good work.

If you don't get the reference, there's a TIME article that has everyone talking these days.  It's the cover story, a very beautiful mom nursing her preschooler under the bold title, "ARE YOU MOM ENOUGH?"

The subject is attachment parenting.  Unfortunately, I am not a subscriber, and would therefore have to buy a magazine I don't want or take my daughter to the library on a truly beautiful day to read it, so I'm going to discuss it out of my rear end, having not read it.

I do, however, know a little bit about AP from dabbling in overlapping parenting interests, and I did listen to On Point with Dr. Sears on the subject the other day.  I love Tom Ashbrook, but Dr. Sears is a terrible interview.  He evaded a lot of questions and sounded like a broken record.  I alternated between sympathy for him as he sounds well-intended and kind, and wanting to reach through my car speaker to strangle him for some of the (in my opinion and experience) incredibly out-of-touch ideals he thinks are reality and the very unrealistic standards that his philosophy set for mothers and women in general.

Here are Dr. Sears' "7 Baby B's"
Birth bonding
Breastfeeding
Babywearing
Bedding close to baby
Belief in baby's cries
Beware of baby trainers
Balance

Many of these I practice in moderation.  I think birth bonding is great, when it's possible, and I'm going to try for a natural birth to maximize my chances of getting it.  With Elsie, I was not able to do this as intervention for her safety concerning possible meconium inhalation and a rather severe postpartum hemmorage prevented immediate bonding and also necessitated overnight care for her in the nursery -- including a little bit of sugar water and formula feeding.  Turns out she and I did just fine even with these unexpected and "anti-bonding" events.  Stressing a new mom out about this stuff does not make her a better mother.  Supporting her by bringing her food, picking up for her, and showering her with encouragement whenever bonding does actually start will make her a better mom.

Breastfeeding is incredibly important to me.  I believe it's the optimum nutrition for babies and that it really does make a difference in a baby's immune system, especially during infancy when a baby is at her most vulnerable.  My commitment to breastfeeding my babies could not be stronger.  Anyone who followed this blog through my first few months of motherhood knows I went through hell to make it work.  Clearly I care.  However, and this is a BIG however, I see red when anyone says, flippantly, how natural and easy it is to breastfeed, or implies that good moms breastfeed and slacker moms use formula.  Breastfeeding is easier in some ways, and many women have a smooth transition, but I did not.  Having met virtually all of my first year's worth of mommy friends at breastfeeding support group, no young mom I knew had an easy time of it, and despite valiant efforts, many of them had to supplement with formula or switch to formula exclusively.

Other times, formula feeding is a choice, and it's the right choice for many!  When you breastfeed, you can't get any help.  You have to do it all on your own.  When you breastfeed, you either can not work, or you have to make yourself conspicuously a mom at your work. The sad truth is that this image label could cost you your job in America.  Pumping isn't all it's cracked up to be, either.  It's time-consuming, it's uncomfortable, it's boring, and it doesn't stimulate your supply the way nursing does, so as your baby grows, you may not be able to keep up with her caloric demands with all those 20-minute breaks in the bathroom that are making your supervisor so angry.  Does it stress you out?  Oh, good.  That'll make your breaks take even longer and your supply drop even more.  I phased in formula and weaned months before I had intended, simply because pumping sucked so hard.  (Ha ha.)

I'm committed to breastfeeding, and there's a lot of sweetness and bonding about it that I look back on so fondly.  I'm going to breastfeed this next baby, no question, and I am excited not to have the clock ticking for my weaning the way it was with Elsie.  For me, the pros far outweigh the cons, and I recommend it to all of my friends.  But no parenting method that holds up indefinite nursing as the gold standard will ever be quite right for me.  I thoroughly enjoyed getting my emotions, body, and autonomy back when it was over.

Some of the Baby B's seem just plain wrong to me.  The one that I most disagree with is #6:

6. Beware of baby trainers

Attachment parenting teaches you how to be discerning of advice, especially those rigid and extreme parenting styles that teach you to watch a clock or a schedule instead of your baby; you know, the cry-it-out crowd. This "convenience" parenting is a short-term gain, but a long-term loss, and is not a wise investment. These more restrained styles of parenting create a distance between you and your baby and keep you from becoming an expert in your child. 

First of all, it's not even pretending to be positive.  It's extremely negative and is framed as us vs. them.  Beware people who pit moms against moms, Dr. Sears!

 I am a trainer.  I sleep-trained and I potty-trained.  I tend to think of it not so much as training as TEACHING, you know, the way you "bike train" your kid, and "alphabet train" them.  But when it comes to sleep, training and teaching would be the same to Dr. Sears.  Letting Elsie cry-it-out made her a more confident, healthier, better-rested child.  I know that it made me a better mom.  I am short-tempered, irritable, angry, frustrated, frazzled, and a downright bad wife when I'm exhausted.  None of this is good for me, my daughter, or my marriage.  Elsie's sleeping through the night was not a short-term gain, it is something we have enjoyed ever since CIO.  Allowing the entire family to sleep put us all in better spirits from that point on and made me better able to connect to my daughter at a much younger age.  Cry-it-out encouraged closeness and kindness in my family.  If you want to call this a short-term gain or a short-sighted convenience, then I guess you'll find a different blog to read instead or hang around here when you feel like making yourself mad.  *Wink!*

I would also like to tweak #5, believing in baby's cries, to Believing in Your Baby. Frankly, I think believing in your baby is far more important than always responding with snuggles and cuddles and coos to a baby's cries.  Believe in her ability.  Believe in her strength.  Believe in her resilience.  And, yes, believe in what she tells you, too.  All ages are not the same and all cries are not the same, as any well-bonded caregiver knows.  As your baby grows, you'll learn a whole range of what cries can mean.  Have a little faith in yourself to hear an agony cry and distinguish it from a hungry cry, a bored cry, and a "I'm out of my comfort zone right now, mom!" cry, and have enough faith in your baby that you don't fear she'll break if, for a few nights of her entire life, she cries herself to sleep.  She'll do it again when she's a teenager, and again when her heart is broken for the first time.  Just as you still do it occasionally too.  And you don't break.

I like this about attachment parenting: it's a loving, kind, gentle, and respectful way to raise your child.  All parenting methods should be loving, kind, gentle and respectful.  For that I commend attachment parents.  I just hope they don't judge me for my own, different choices.  I would be a terrible mom as an AP.  I'm far too great a perfectionist.  Holding myself to those standards of attachment would be a drain on my energy and my spirit, not the fuel that so many find it is for their souls.  I am definitely not mom enough.

But my parenting style is loving, kind, gentle, and respectful, too.  We have more in common than not.