First Day Jitters

This is a year of huge changes for the C family. 

I went back to work full-time this week, for the first time since I got my masters in engineering and Laurel died. 

We hired an au pair, from Italy, and she has moved into our house to help fill the hole I am leaving behind in the household.  She is wonderful. I am so so so so happy that we decided to invest in live-in help for our family.  (And no, I will not be bringing home any money after it is all said and done.) We screened for someone a little bit nerdy, and it paid off beautifully.  She does like anime and cosplay.  She does not like drinking and staying out late.  Perfect!

Lucia has just entered preschool for the first time.  She is still at the same fancy-pants preschool that Elsie went to, however I am no longer flexible and free enough to participate in the insane amount of involvement expected by the school, so I'm now the absentee mom who sends her nanny to all the school events.

Elsie has moved to the school where I work, a small private school out in the fancy suburbs.  We are losing a lot in diversity, but curriculum-wise, it is a definite win.  Our local public school does poorly on standardized testing.  They are under so much pressure to improve, that they teach to the test from day 1 of kindergarten.  It breaks my educator heart.  This will not be a problem at the fancy private school -- nor will absentee mom-ism.  I'm in the building at all times!

As for Hub, he is newly in charge of his own laundry, so huge life changes for him, too.

***

Today was the first day of school for me and Elsie.  When I tucked her in last night, I confided,

"I'm nervous! are you?"

She laughed.  "Mommy!  You're so silly!"

***

This morning, Elsie skipped through the doors of the school.  I dropped her off at the early morning program, then I sat in my office feeling nauseated and having a panic attack that maybe I was pregnant.  (I'm not.  IUDs really work.  That's just my go-to association with nausea.)

I made it through my day.  My students were cheerful, inquisitive, polite, and kind.  I'm so tired I could pass out.

Elsie and I got stuck in traffic on the way home.  We were in the car for an hour.  She glowed and sang and giggled about her day all the way home.  I felt so damn good about this school choice for her.

Then she got carsick and spent the rest of the evening with her face in a bowl while the rest of us ate leftovers, bookending our day with a perfect, terrifying symmetry of nausea.


Here is what I observe about being a working mother:

It feels as though everything is a hair away from unraveling.